I woke up this morning, thinking about Mark. The past few weeks have been extremely difficult for me. July 2nd would have been his 26th birthday and I always sent him a birthday card and called him. The night before his birthday, I had a dream that I was taking pictures at his birthday party. It was a happy dream. I prayed before I went to sleep, “God, please help me get through his birthday…” I think the dream was God’s way of giving me  a visit with Mark. I have not had many dreams about Mark recently and I think this one was the best out of them all. When one loses someone one loves, dreams can begin to be something to look forward to. They seem so real sometimes. I remember seeing him smile a lot in the dream. I remember seeing his friend, Lindsey at the party. I saw them together a lot. There were so many other people there that they all just sort of blended together. Mark would come up to me and ask, “Hey, will you take a picture of us?” and pose with some of his friends. Since I am a photographer, I wish that I would have gotten the chance to take some pictures for Mark. He passed away before I started photography as a career. I would love to have the chance to take pictures of him playing music, or anything really.

I even remember the colors in the dream. There were a lot of shades of gold, or deep yellows around us. I believe we were inside a large room. It could have been a party room in a restaurant, or something. There were warm and happy colors everywhere around us. The room seemed to have been lit by some hanging Chinese lantern lights. Mark looked great. I keep remembering how happy he seemed in the dream. I woke up this morning with him heavy on my mind and my main thoughts were about the last time that I saw him. It was on mine and Chris’ wedding day. July 22nd was the day. He passed away on July 23rd the following year. At the wedding, he seemed shy at times, because he lived so far away from all of us. Also, I feel horrible that he did not get the chance to get to know Chris pre-wedding. If I put myself in that same situation and he was getting married, I would have wanted to know his bride at least some. That was the first time they had even met! Mark brought his camera with him and wanted pictures taken of him with my mom and others at the wedding. That is how I knew that he was excited. I never saw Mark with a camera when we still lived together. I was always the one taking pictures of everything. I asked him to cut our cake, because I wanted him to have a part in the wedding. He and Lindsey, his friend cut the cake together and I think that they had fun.

I also remember that we did not get the chance to talk a lot at all. Of course, when someone invites a sibling to a wedding, it is not expected to be the last time to see them. I had no clue that was the case, of course. I also think that we did not really know what to say. Every now and then, he would send me an email with his latest songs and I loved that.

Chris and I scanned a nice printer at target for our wedding registry and Mark bought it for us. I was surprised, because we really scanned the printer as a joke, because we figured that no one would really buy it for us, but Mark did. He did not stay too long after the ceremony. He is a lot like me in a sense, because I do not like to stay at one place for too long. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I am bored of the situation, or company, but I am just ready for the next event. It was so nice to see him at our wedding. I would have been very depressed if he would have not shown up. I gave Mark a hug when I saw him at first and we talked for a little bit. He was wearing a black shirt with jeans. It was very similar to the outfit he was wearing at the funeral. His friend, Nathan said that Mark would not have wanted to wear a suit, which was true.

The one-year anniversary is just about here and it is unbelievable.


It is time to wait on the Lord!

Recently, I had the opportunity to trust God in a difficult situation. I was babysitting for some people for “the summer”. I wanted to give them a great deal to help them save money, so I did. I was only charging $85 for three days a week for 3 kids. My normal charge is $20/daily, so that was a very awesome deal. Basically, it was $95 less than what the normal charge would be. The kids’ mom mentioned that they would pay whether the kids came or not , so I agreed. There are many challenges to overcome when owning a business. Many seem to view it not as a business, but as a hobby of mine. I am very frugal, so I understand trying to find a great deal! It is difficult to make money to pay bills when this is the case, though. I woke up the other morning and found a text on my phone. The mom texted me to inform me that she did not have the money to pay me each week to watch her kids, so she would be taking them to her cousin for free from then on. This was very frustrating to my husband and I, because we knew them and expected more respect and at least more of a notice. There was no two-week notice or anything! She previously told me that I would be watching all three kids for the rest of the summer and it was not like it was one kid. I reserved all three spots for her kids for the rest of the summer. Needless to say, it was a surprise. My response to her was, “Wow.” I was shocked. After that, she continued to respond and all I could say was, “Don’t text me please.” When I am angry about something inconsiderate that someone does, I try to have some space from them, so I do not say anything hurtful or hateful. I am a sinner just like anyone else and I know that I need space to cool down. Well, she kept responding and I continued to tell her to basically leave me alone. I was very upset and needed to take a breather! She had no clue how much of an inconvenience she had caused our family!

Sometimes, hurtful things happen and we do not understand why. In a way, this was a relief to me. I really was not being paid enough to begin with and well, she would still complain about having to pay that much. It is very hard to want to work for someone that is not appreciative. Anyone should be appreciated for hard work. No human is perfect, though! This world is full of people with flaws and sin struggles, so nothing is perfect in this life. After this happened, I got very depressed and fearful. I realized, after a while, that was not how God wanted me to view this situation. It did happen for a reason and I needed to pray for guidance, so I did. I, then, prayed that if I am no longer supposed to watch kids, then He would show me. The next day, I received another text from a friend that I would be babysitting for in December saying that her job was placing her in another town to work. I was not upset at all since she gave me a 6 month notice! Also, I saw it as an answer from God! It was a pretty quick answer, too! The reason that I am blogging about this situation is to show how God works sometimes. Sometimes, frustrating things happen and we are supposed to be still and know that He is God!  (Psalm 46:10) This can be difficult sometimes, because we do not have the knowledge that God has. We do not see the whole picture, but He does. For all I know, I have lost my income that we were depending on. I was scheduled to start paying my student loans ($400/month) starting in January 2013, which was depending on my other job that was cancelled. I had the choice to either rely on God, or get discouraged. I am praying and relying on God to send me the answers!

I have the conviction to stay at home with Carson and raise him. I do not look down on moms that work and put their children in daycare. It would just be very, very difficult for me to do. I love raising our son and teaching him instead of someone else teaching him! It has been such a blessing to be able to stay at home with him. I love it. Proverbs 3:5 says to trust God and to not lean on your own understanding! This is a perfect example to apply this Bible verse. Every day, we are given the opportunities to live this verse! Prayer and trust is key. Without prayer, we are relying on our own judgment and strength. I am too weak to rely on my own strength. The Bible mentions not to fear at least 365 times and that is one time for each day of the year! Don’t you think that God does not want us to fear?! I think that is enough reason to not fear. He is in control. He is sovereign. When life gives you lemons, make some really awesome stinking lemonade! This is why I will rely on God to help me in this time of waiting on the Lord to help me find a source of income.

It has almost been a year.

This picture was taken the last time that I saw my brother. I am so grateful that he came down for our wedding. He cut our cake and I did not get to see him for that long, but it meant the world to me that he came.So, as I wrote before, I lost my brother on July 24th, 2011. It has almost been a year since he has been gone. I am not going to write this post to bring anyone down and please do not feel obligated to respond. I am writing it, because it is true. I wish that I could say that everything is back to normal, now that it has almost been a year, but that would be a lie. For months after his death, I woke up with him on my mind. Have you ever woke up with the same thought on your mind morning after morning? Well, that is what it was like. Every morning, I would wake up and ask myself, “Is he really gone?” Of course, I had to respond with, “Yes, he is.” I did that morning after morning and somewhere within the past year, that has pretty much stopped. I think it has sunk in for the most part, that he is gone. He lived in Chicago, so it wasn’t like I saw him and then, he was gone. It was different. I had to keep telling myself that it really happened even though I knew that I was at his very funeral and I have some remains. I think that it was so hard for the reality to sink in, because I just feel like he should still be alive.

For the first time in a while, I went to pick up my phone and text Mark. It hit me again. It was a “Oh yeah, I can’t really text him anymore.” moment. I would send him pictures of my son, Carson from time to time and never really got a response. The one thing that made me finally cry in front of anyone at the funeral was when his previous girlfriend, Christin gave me back a picture that I had mailed to my brother on his birthday (June 2nd, 2011). He framed it and she told me, “He always had this sitting next to his bed by his candle that he would light.” That broke my heart. Even though my brother did not really show love in a usual way, he did love his little nephew. She also brought me something that he planned to give to Carson one day. You might wonder why I waited for that moment to actually cry in front of anyone at the viewing. It is very hard for me to cry in front of anyone, even my husband! I think that is because I don’t like people to see me crying and feel bad for me. Crying is a private thing for me. I very, very rarely cry. In fact, I do not remember the last time that I cried. I am sure it was about Mark, though. When I am alone, driving in the car and I hear a song that he would like, I usually cry. I could just hear him from years ago telling me, “Crystal, in order to really appreciate music, you have to appreciate all different types of music.” Of course, he told me this while we were listening to some old rock. He loved music, so that reminds me of him every time. I also remember the time when he told me that some old rock songs are so repetitive and that was a little annoying. Hahaa That is so true, though. Think about the song Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. “And this bird you can not change…” I am sure that was not the song he was talking about at the moment, but it is just funny, the memories that you have years and years later.

In fact, that is how I get through many days. When I just want to talk to him so bad and make the reality of him being gone go away, I just try and think of him as I thought of him when he was still living. I try not to have a changed perspective of him and know he is gone, but still enjoy the memories that we shared. There was another memory that I have of him and we were riding around in the car that he had. It was a maroon chevy malibu and it is mine now. He was singing Kelly Clarkson in a high-pitched girl voice in a way that only he could and cracking me up. I am pretty sure that it was her song, Because Of You. It still makes me laugh. I have not always been able to laugh about these memories, so I am getting better. Of course, I want to keep that car forever now since it is something for me to remember him by.

I was told by a friend recently, “I don’t know how you did it.” She was referring to the fact that I am managing to get by, even after losing him. I responded, “Honestly, I don’t know how either. It is so hard.” I don’t like to butter things up for people. If you ask me a question, expect a real, honest response. I like to have it the same way, I might say. I really do look back sometimes at myself when I was screaming on the phone, “No God, no!!!!!!!!! Oh my…..” when I heard the news. I was so confused, shocked and just so…LOST! Am I still lost at times? Yes. It hits me hard some days harder than others and I just wish I could pause life for a while to cry all day. It has gotten better, though. Now that the anniversary is approaching, the feelings are coming back and it is like someone slapped me in the face every time I hear the date mentioned. I will make it, though, with God’s help. Some might think, “Well, that is the cliche thing to say.” Right. I would think the same if I did not know the truth of it, but I do. I pray often for God to help me get through the misery of losing him and He does. He uplifts me with a verse, or just finds a way to cheer me up. I still hold onto hope of seeing Mark again. I will always hold onto that hope. I know a lot of things about God’s attributes just from studying the Bible and one thing that I do not know for sure is if we will see every single one of our loved ones again. Hope is all that we have sometimes, though. I will hold onto that hope and make it through each day, month and year while re-living each memory in my mind. He was such a lively, different, real person. I saw many parts of him. I saw his crazy, entertaining personality and I also saw his sincere personality trait when we were alone and he wanted to have a heart to heart conversation. Oh, I miss those.

Biblical and first-hand proof of demon existence

The Bible warns us about demons in many verses. James 2:19 says, “You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe—and shudder!”

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Demons are real. Satan wants you to believe that demons are even your loved ones who have passed and that they are trying to connect with you. Why would Satan want this? Because it is something that will keep your mind focused on something besides God. Who would not be distracted if they believed that they could actually communicate with their deceased loved ones. I will explain why I believe this.

Luke 23:42-43 says, “Then he (one of the criminals on the side of Jesus) said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom. 43 Jesus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.”

This verse proves that when we, whom are Christians, die, we will go straight to Heaven! We will not linger around on the earth. I am also going to explain why I know for sure that there is truth to what the Bible says. There are demons on earth that Satan uses to try and destroy us and keep our minds on everything, but Christ!

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world” (1 Peter 5:8-9).

Now, I will discuss why I am so sure that demons exist. A while back, I was with some friends at a sleepover. We were messing around with something that we should not have been messing with; a ouija board. We were asking questions about life. One friend asked, “When will I die?” The demon answered. I didn’t want to know. When I was using it, we asked, “How many of you are in here?” They answered and let me just say, there were a lot of them! It is real. That is proof. I would never advise someone to use a board, or anything to communicate with Satan’s demons. They want you to be amazed by them. It is a trick. We were using it in my friend’s house and then, out in an old barn. This was also during the night, but we had lights. I can promise you that when I put my hand on the thing that moves to each letter (whatever that is called), it did move and no, we were not pushing it. You could see the fright in each others’ eyes.

More proof: Not too long ago I was sitting in my living room and my stereo randomly turned on. My response was to turn the thing off, because only I should have been turning the thing on, right? Yep. I forgot about it and went on with my life. I did not tell a single person, because to be honest, it did creep me out. Talking about it would have only escalated the fear. A couple months later, my son’s nasal mist spray container moved around on the table right in front of me. Yes, at first, I did believe that it could quite possibly be my prankster brother playing tricks on me. Remember, Christ told the criminal on the cross, right after he became a Christian, that he would be with Him in paradise that same day! What does this tell us? It tells us that our loved ones are in Heaven, or possibly Hell and not on earth.

Verses in the Bible mention that demons are on earth. They are everywhere around us, tempting us. That is exactly how I know that I have proof that they exist. The good news is, Christians can not be touched or harmed by these evil beings. This verse is the perfect verse to cast out any fears that a Christian may have about the subject:

1 John 5:18  “We know that everyone who has been born of God does not keep on sinning, but he who was born of God protects him, and the Devil one does not touch him.”

The reason that I decided to write a post about this is, I had this conversation with a friend the other night when I finally mentioned the things that had been happening around me. He reminded me of some verses and truth and I felt the need to share.

Intro #4

Six weeks after having our son, Carson, I was in a pretty good mood. Life was going great. I graduated college. Everything was working out just fine. We found a great church home and everything! Then, I received the worst news possible. My brother was dead. This will be my hardest post to write. I am sure that I will cry while typing this, but here it is…

My brother left Arkansas about 4.5 years before this happened. He moved to Sugar Grove, Illinois to help our Grandpa Cuneo. He ended up staying there and moving to Chicago. We did not keep in touch a whole lot. He didn’t allow me to get closer to him. Every time I called him and tried to talk, he had some excuse to cut it short. I even went and visited him with my dad once and I could tell that he seemed a little bit depressed. A couple years later, I visited him with my husband’s old room mate and my boyfriend at the time and he seemed extremely depressed. It made me so sad to see him so different and so down. When he lived in Arkansas, he was so goofy and hilarious. He was also fairly happy. I am sure that he still had his struggles, but Chicago depressed him so much more. He was a musician and some of his songs were about him missing Arkansas.

No one knows for sure what really pushed him to the edge, but he left work early and went home and took all of his prescription sleeping pills, anti-depressants, drank some alcohol and suffocated himself the rest of the way. It sucks. The only two words that I have to describe that fact that he chose to do that are, “It. Sucks.” I hate it. Not a day goes by when I do not think of him. He was my best friend growing up. I loved him so much. I remember us making can telephones out of aluminum cans and some string and pretending to call each other on them when we lived in Heber Springs. We had so much fun playing war out in the woods and catching minnows in the creek. The list goes on and on. This is nasty, but it was so him…He had a “fart catcher” and every time he had the chance, he would fart in the “fart catcher” aka pringles can and put the lid on it and then, beg me to take a smell. Not to mention, he had different names for the different scents. It makes me laugh and want to throw up all at the same time! Yuck. One of the scents was “roasted weenies.” Who comes up with that?…He did. Another time, he had me record him pooping on the side of the road when we lived in Sherwood. That was another moment that made me want to puke and laugh at the same time. That was him, though. His classic was the time that he streaked at Parkview High School’s pep rally and got arrested for it. Of course, he borrowed some of my panties to wear for it. eeeeck. My friends got a good laugh out of that. I heard all about it. He told me that he was going to do it before he did and of course, once he was out of jail, he came home begging me to watch the video of it. He was so proud.

I will always miss my brother. I will always have the desire to see him right now and to just know that his spirit is okay and happy where he is. I believe in Heaven and Hell and the hardest part for me is, his post before he passed away read, “lost at sea…exploring the unkown…Am I brave? Where will I go? No one really knows. Will there be pipers at the gates to welcome my soul, or dark spaces lit by ghouls.”

Needless to say, he did not know where his destination was. That breaks my heart. He was in so much pain that he did not even know where his soul would end up and he was willing to take the chance. I have spent many days crying until there were no tears left. I had to plan his funeral and it was not easy. My son was only 6 weeks old when all of this happened. Because of him, I had to go on. One of the saddest parts is, I found out that he had tried killing himself 6 months before this and he just told me that he was in the hospital for “stomach issues.” I had no clue that he had gotten his stomach pumped! If I would have known that, I would have opened up to him about my attempt and maybe it would have helped him some. I regret a lot and those feelings are common when someone you love takes their own life. He did it and there is no reverse and no turning back. I have to live my life and I just make it through each day by telling myself, “You will see him again one day. Just wait. Be patient. You will get to see him one day. You will.”

Whether I believe it completely or not is a different story. I really hope I do see him with all of my might. Losing an only sibling in inexplainable and when you lose them to suicide, it adds a whole ‘nother layer to the grief.

I always pray, “God, please tell Mark that I love him and miss him. Please make sure that he is happy.” God ordained for my son to be born right before he did this, because I could have very well taken my own life because of the grief. Looking back, I just don’t know how I made it through all of that. It is still very difficult for me, but it was extremely excruciating then. He was supposed to come visit me the next month and it just completely shocked me when I heard the news through our mutual friend and my old room mate. He left a note saying that he was sorry, but he just couldn’t take this crazy world anymore. Six months prior to all of this, when he made his attempt, he left notes for my mom, dad and some of his friends. I know I should not be selfish and wonder this, but I have wondered why he had nothing to say to me. The last time that I saw him was on my wedding day (July 22nd, 2010). The last time that I ever spoke to him was the day that my son was born, June 16, 2011. I told him that Carson was cute. I will always wonder if he compared his life to mine and wanted to be married and have a kid already. I don’t know. I just always wonder what I could have done to depress him more and I should not think that way. It is still a journey and I am making it, though, with God’s help.

Introduction #3

Since Chris and I went from just being friends to dating and to getting engaged and married all within about three months, we were technically still getting to know each other even within our marriage. I was learning about his quirks and we were both learning more about each other’s personalities. I was still in my last year of college. Two and a half months after getting married, we were expecting a baby boy! I cried and was very upset when I found out that I was pregnant, because there was only one time that it would have even been a possibility and well, that was enough. I cried when I took my pregnancy test at Smoothie King, my work and I saw that it was positive! Of course, my boss gave me one of her two tests after she took one and found out that she was prego, too. She was ecstatic and I was…well, depressed. I was so scared of giving birth. I had been afraid of it since I was a little girl. I also did not want to have a baby so early in our marriage. Chris’ exact words on the phone when I told him were, “I know you are sad about it, but I am STOKED!”

Soon after that, we bought our first house and another puppy. The puppy was my idea and well, so was the house. He kind of just went with it all. He is a great husband, because he really does just want me to be happy. Sometimes, he probably needs to say no, though. (lol) Soon after all of that, we were left with no choice, but to buy another car. This is where I will introduce you to my mother-in-law. She is awesome. Enough said. I love her. She is honest and I like that. She has helped us financially and in so many other ways. She loaned us four grand, so we could get a car. We payed her back when we got our tax return the next year.

Our baby boy was born on June 16, 2011, which was exactly nine days after our one-year anniversary! He is the greatest blessing that I could ask for, though.

My introduction…continued

In college, I met so many great friends. I enjoyed playing soccer, too. We played some games out of state, so it was exciting getting to travel to those games. I was kind of scared to play as well as I knew that I could just because the last time that I really tried hard, I got hurt pretty badly. I was told that I will need a knee replacement by the time I am 35 or so, because of that one injury! My friend, Rachael that I met in my Yearbook class in high school went to college with me and we were room mates. She really made my first year so much fun! We stayed up all night talking and laughing many times! She ended up meeting her husband that year.

After not dating for a year, I ended up dating a guy who was much too old for me. I kept telling people that I was not interested in dating, since I had my heart broken in the last relationship. This guy that I ended up dating was a friend and we slowly started dating. I won’t give too many details, because some people reading this may know who I am talking about, but I will just say that there were some things that should not have happened. That relationship did not last too long and I waited another whole year before dating anyone. Then, I met a guy that became my boyfriend and at first, he seemed sweet. The only problem at first was that he had a habit of lying to me. Before we were officially dating, he told me about all of these sports that he played in high school and some other stuff. Come to find out, they were all lies and he was only trying to impress me to win me over. I still proceeded to date this guy. Needless to say, I ignored the warning signs! As I caught him in more and more lies, I tried to break it off with him a few times and every time, he would sweet talk and win me over again. After he repeatedly lied to me, I tried breaking if off for good with him and he began to get physical with me. This is the same guy that everyone said was so sweet and would be perfect for me. I have many stories about him being abusive. I would kindly say, “I just don’t think we should be together, because I can not trust you since you lie a lot.” He actually took my phone and hid the battery, so I would not call for help. He locked me in my bedroom and would not let me go anywhere simply because I wanted to end the relationship with him. He also took all of my clothes out of my closet and threw them all over the floor while yelling at me and saying how worthless I was. I was literally in the floor crying and begging him to stop, but he continued. I somehow lied to him and told him that I would continue dating him if he would just let me out of the room. Well, as soon as he moved away from the door and let me near it, I hauled butt to the back door, unlocked it, ran to the fence and opened the door and jumped into the ditch, crawled up the other side to run to my best friend’s house. My hair was still wet and I had not shoes on, because I had showered before all of that drama started. I was crying hysterically and beating on her door. Thankfully, she was home with her boyfriend, who is now her husband. I am forever grateful to them for being such great friends that I needed at the time! After they got me to calm down enough to tell them what happened, she ran over to my house and said a few things to him and told him to leave me along once and for all. That was the first time that I cried out for help. I lost most of my friends, because people only saw what I allowed them to see. No one knew that he was hurting me. People only knew that we were on again, off again. I didn’t want to hurt his reputation.

It didn’t stop there. In an abusive relationship, the abuser will often act very sorry and promise that they have changed just to win you back. Well, that is exactly what he did. He was extremely manipulative, I might add. On our way back from a vacation with his family, we got into an argument about something while he was driving and he started driving crazy and turned the radio up and I was seriously scared for my life. I got him to pull over somehow on the side of the interstate and I got in the back to take off running to get help, but he somehow got back there and threw me down into my suitcases. I fought back this time and got out of there as quickly as possible. I ran barefoot to the nearest gas station. Yes, I had glass in my foot and some cuts. I was more worried about getting away from that mad man! He followed me, of course, into the gas station. I kept threatening to call my dad to get him to leave me alone, but I didn’t just because I figured my dad might have lost his temper and seriously hunted him down! Randomly, his friends showed up at the same gas station and saw me crying and asked, “Are you okay?” in a very concerned way and I just said, “Yes.” I mean, the guy was standing right there! Those were his friends! They knew how crazy he had been in previous relationships and I should have asked for help! I ended up eventually getting back into his vehicle, mainly so I could have all of my luggage.

There were many more incidents of abuse in that relationship, but one really stood out to me. He picked up my dog, Corrie and acted like he was going to throw him across the room. That was enough for me! I ended it once and for all! I called the cops and also called my dad and told him everything. I also called his parents and told them about all of it. He still continued to knock on my door, but all I had to do was threaten to call the cops again and he was gone…for a while. Do you remember me writing about the guy I dated in high school that broke up with me after a year? Well, we started keeping in touch again right before I got with the abusive guy, so as soon as I broke it off with crazy man, he came back into the picture. We started a friendship and I felt pretty well protected from the abusive guy, because the new guy was in the Air Force and at least that sounded pretty scary. Soon after that, my best friend hooked me up with a guy that was so nice, but it did not work out. I will shorten the story a little here. There were some difficulties and personality differences, but I was so wounded from the abusive relationship that when he broke up with me, I tried to kill myself. I had finally found a sweet guy and I think that I did not want to go through many more break-ups in the future. I was so tired of dating. I wanted to settle down and quit getting hurt. I took some pills and thankfully, I am still alive. Right after this, I started talking to the guy I dated in high school. We began dating again after a few visits when he would come to see me from out of state. I never could get him off of my mind after high school. He said the same about me. We did care about each other, but the distance was hard and I am pretty sure he cheated on me on different occasions. I forgave him no matter what, which was not like me at all. We were both completely different after high school. He seemed more harsh and not so sweet. On one occasion, he made me cry, so he broke up with me…? It was strange. It just didn’t work out and the day he broke up with me for final, was the day after I prayed for God to make him break up with me if it was not in His will for us to be together.

Here is where it gets good…remember the guy that I tried killing myself over, because he broke it off with me? Well, I met his room mate while we were dating and thought nothing of it! Actually, I did not even remember him after that night that we met during a get-together at the church. Well, he became my husband later on. My new best friend, Jackie was talking about Chris, my husband and saying that he was a mutual friend, since I had dated his old room mate. Again, I thought nothing of it and just wanted to get my focus back on God at the time. I was very sick and tired of relationships that meant nothing to me in the end. This is sad, but there were some other guys that I dated shortly in between the guys that I have mentioned. I am pretty embarrassed about that. I was not good at telling guys to leave me alone. I think I honestly just got bored and I didn’t always hang out with the girls at my college since some of them were pretty mean to me and I have come to the realization that I think it was because of jealousy. I was pretty and outgoing. A lot of girls didn’t like me because of it, too. I didn’t care a whole lot. I was just myself and tried to ignore them. I’ll admit, it did hurt my feelings at times. Eventually, I withdrew myself from socializing at my college. I went to class and went back home. I began ignoring people most of the time. I was sick of people being rude to me.

After meeting my new best friend, Jackie, Chris and I became facebook friends and he eventually messaged me and started joking about me needing a room mate. He messaged me, “You know, I need a room mate too…” I knew he was joking, or I hope he was. I laughed about it and said, “Yeah if only you were a girl, huh?” He then, asked me to go running with him and we started to be pretty good friends. We started hanging out all the time. It was usually Chris, his best friend and I always hanging out. I would get them to play hide-n-seek with me and we would always find fun things to do. At the time, I was not wanting a boyfriend, remember? I tried to make that clear with him. At the time, I was also hanging out with another guy. It became too difficult, because they both started to like me and I just wanted to stay single. Dating made me want to vomit. After trying to kill myself, I wanted to steer clear from stupid dating. Their hearts got involved and I started to feel guilty. Eventually, I had to choose and I hands down, Chris was the better guy for me, but he was planning to move to Florida soon.

I didn’t want to get attached, but slowly, I started to get attached. I mean, he was really trying to be all sweet, but he was scared, too. He hadn’t dated for about three years. He also knew about me trying to kill myself, because his previous room mate and my ex-boyfriend told him about it. I knew that he was kind of scared of us eventually dating and ironically, it happened anyway. I didn’t plan on it happening that way, but it just did. Our first kiss was in the rain and it was the best ever, because I had no clue that he would one day be my husband. After both of us making it very complicated, we ended up together. First, he was scared of dating again, so he was just not trying that hard. Then, I told him that I couldn’t continue getting too involved since I would never have a long-distance relationship again. Well, he tried 100% after that conversation. All of the sudden, he was staying in Arkansas and we were always together. I felt pretty bad for his best friend at the time, because he would ditch him for me. A few months later, he popped the question! Yes, I said a few months. That was fast, I know! I said yes, of course. I knew that he was the one very early. He was the sweetest guy. He also loved God and that was a huge priority for me. He stumbled upon my list for traits that  my husband would have to have and he read all of the 50+ things that I had written down. It was pretty extensive, but I knew that I would never compromise again. Chris was not perfect by any means, but he matched my list pretty well! He asked me after reading it, “So, do I match up?” I laughed and said, “You weren’t supposed to snoop around and find that, you know?” Then, I read my list and told him every single trait that he did have and the ones that he did not have. I was honest.

Well, One week after we were engaged, we eloped mainly because of temptation reasons, but we were both incredibly happy afterwards! I will write about our first year of marriage in my next post!